Please forgive me. For what will happen. It is not about any of you. It is only about me. For what will happen did not happen because of any one thing, person or event. It’s time to end the anguish. I have suffered for so long; too long.
People may say, “What was it that made him suffer so much that it came to this”. These people never knew me. And if there are people who knew not the answer, let it be a mystery. Let’s just say that I tired. I tired to the point I was paralyzed physically. I tired to the point I was paralyzed mentally.
I have been on a search for an answer to my condition; looking for an answer to my melancholy.
There have been many suggestions. A coterminous to an answer is in a book called Malignant Sadness by Lewis Wolpert. I recommend this book for anyone wanting an understanding of what makes his or her family and friends “tick” (so to speak).
Lately, I have been attributing my perdition to what I call “The Melancholy Gene" and "Karma”.
The Melancholy Gene:
Excerpt: 'Against Happiness'by Eric G. Wilson
Eric G. Wilson argues for the vital need for sadness in the world.
Wake Forest University
“This gene, this melancholy gene, has proved the code for innovation. It has produced over the centuries our resplendent towers, yearning heavenward. It has created our great epics, god-hungry. It has concocted our memorable symphonies, as tumultuously beautiful as the first ocean. Without this sorrowful genome, these sublimities would have remained in the netherworld of nonexistence. Indeed, without this genetic information, sullen and ambitious, what we see as culture in general, that empyreal realm of straining ideas, might have never arisen from the mere quest for survival, from simple killing and eating.”
This is an accurate description of what I am trying to describe; The Melancholy Gene. I want to believe this. I really do. I cannot see this point of view while I suffer. I just cannot include myself in this encapsulation of the description. I have not contributed anything to this world except maybe the aggravating people. I cannot think of one person I made happy. I have not made a contribution. At least no one has ever told me I have.
“The Melancholia Gene”: I was born with this gene just as everyone in my family. It is in my family DNA; in our genetic makeup. You may equate this to the history of heart disease in a family. Not everyone in the family may be inflicted. Be thankful. It selects you and no one knows the criteria of that selection. Who knows when or how or why you are selected. Only the gene knows. It is not necessary that you suffer from it; its there waiting; waiting for its attack. It may be an event or a series of events that may elicit the onset. It can happen anytime in a person’s life.
It is more suitable to have this assault happen to an adult it. An adult‘s mind has matured enough to understand the event that caused the onset of the affliction. The adult may be able to
deal with the event and sort out solutions; limiting the damage to the psyche.
If this assault happens to an immature mind, as in a child while in development, the affliction becomes part of the child’s personality makeup and would “scar” them for life.
My afflication begin many years ago. In my pre-teens. I will not go into details because it will sound like a blame game. Let's just say that events were out of my control and no one was looking after me. No no was there to help me undersatand and explain that it was not my fault. And now that I am older I know that nothing was my fault for I was a child. But now it is too late. The damage has been done.
My KARMA:
Definition: The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny.
Letme just say it was bound to happen. I have felt this dooming feeling since a teenager. I have always felt as an outcast; not part of anything. The typical thing people say about their depression.
Unfortunately, I was not one of the lucky ones. It was unavoidable in my case. The reason I say this is because of karma. It was my fate. I was destined and vulnerable to suffer from this affliction. My Karma would not let me defeat or overcome this depression of spirit; the loss of hope, confidence, and courage.
So...If you want to apply the 80% / 20% rule:
80% part - The Melancholy Gene
20% part - Karma
So I plan for my end. The funny part of this whole planning thing is how difficult it is. How I am to keep it a secret without people knowing what is about to happen.
Since I cannot take the trip I always wanted, I am taking a mini version. I am going to see the coastline. I am going to see the mountains. I wish to see beautiful things again. And as usual, I will see these things alone. I will take pictures. They will be in my camera when I am found. I'll try to look happy.
I often reflect of the lasting effect of 9/11 on an adult versus the lasting effect to children. I can only imagine what images and chaos of that day and the effects ingrained in children. Adults were mostly sadden and/or angry. Children were confused, afraid and felt vulnerable. By the time children are old enough to begin to understand, the damage to their psyche will have already been. The scar is in place. How it manifests itself will depend on if it has been "treated" when as a child. Take care of the children. I beg you.
This is just an example. I am no expert by far. I don't claim to be.
